Percy Jackson and The Olympians Abridged Season 1: The Lightning Thief
by SuperAwesomeSpecialWriterDude
Summary: A humorous parody of The Lightning Thief; characters are obviously OOC; characters NOT typical fan-created personalities such as the infamously stupid "Per-sassy" [shudders at the thought]; contains sexual jokes, language, and many cultural references (leave a comment if you don't get a reference); later chapters may contain offensive terms NOT USED IN A HATEFUL WAY; NO SHIPPING
1. Chapter 1: The Pilot

**(Episode 1) Chapter 1: The Pilot**

It all started on a field trip…wait they're in sixth grade and they still get field trips? What is this bullshit

Percy: Man I love field trips! Field trips are always so much fun!

One year ago…

Guide: This is an authentic cannon used during the Revolutionary war to fight the British. Please don't touch it

Percy: Hmm...what did he just say? Please...touch it? Ok...hey now what does this button do?

Percy fires the cannon and destroys the school bus

One year before that…

Guide: And here we are on the catwalk at the shark pool. Please don'ts touch anything

Percy: Hmm...what did she just say? Please...touch something? Ok...hey now what does this lever do?

Percy pulls a lever and the whole class falls into the pool

Back to the present…

Percy: Huh...maybe I should be kept on a leash or something

Nancy Bobofit: [throws sandwich bits at Grover] Not only am I throwing food at an innocent kid, I am also wasting a peanut butter and jelly and ketchup sandwich! Peanut butter and jelly...AND KETCHUP! Truly I am the most evil character in this entire series!

The bus stops

Mr. Brunner: Here we are everyone! I was going to teach you guys thing but since I'm on tenure, I decided we should have a field trip instead

The children go to the Greek artifacts section of the museum

Mr. Brunner: And this is a stele! They were created as Ancient Greek gravestones…

Nancy: Hey look guys! There's a naked dude on that stele! Hehe! You can see his penis! Hehe! And his testicles too! Hehe!

Percy: Would you shut the fuck up?

Mr. Brunner: Percy! Can you tell me what this is a picture of?

Percy: It's that part where Kronos at his kids right? Seriously that guy's like the worst dad ever. He's almost as bad as the dad I never knew

Me. Brunner: Good job Percy! That is precisely what happened...I mean what the Greeks claimed happened (coughs)

The class proceeds outside to eat lunch

Percy: Man the weather sure has been acting up lately. It's ALMOST AS IF THE SKY AND THE OCEAN ARE MAD AT EACH OTHER AND ARE FIGHTING

[EPIC FORESHADOWING!]

Nancy Bobofit: (drops a sandwich onto Grover) Oh oops! Haw haw!

Percy: That does it! Nobody wastes a sandwich and gets away with it!

The water pulls Nancy into the fountain

Nancy: Percy pushed me!

Percy: No I- I mean yes I did! I pushed her! I am a big bully! (thinking) Perfect! Maybe I can finally get some fear and respect around here

Grover: No wait! Uh...it was me! I did it!

Percy: Dammit Grover! Stop trying to steal all the glory!

Mrs. Dodds: Come with me Jackson

Mrs. Dodds leads Percy into the museum

Mrs. Dodds: It was only a matter of time before we found out

Percy: Oh no you found my marijuana stash!

Mrs. Dodds: Do not try to lie! Do you think we are stupid?! Prepare to die!

Percy: Oh so you didn't find my marijuana stash?

Mrs. Dodds' eyes start glowing and she sprouts wings and claws

Percy: Glowing eyes...wings...pure evil...she's either a monster or a roleplayer!

Mrs. Dodds flies at Percy, claws outstretched, teeth baring

Percy: GAH! Definitely a roleplayer!

Mr. Brunner: Percy! Catch! (throws Riptide)

Percy: [in a sarcastic monotone] Oh jeez a pen thanks so much Mr. Brunner (Riptide transforms in midair) oh wait no it's a sword! Good! Because the sword is mightier than the pen!

Percy catches the sword which makes a lightsaber noise as it kills Mrs. Dodds, who turns to dust

Percy: Ha yes I killed an old lady! (coughs) whew thats a lot of dust

Percy walks out of the museum and sees Ms. Kerr.

Percy: Whoa! Who's that?

Mr. Brunner: That's Ms. Kerr, who has been the math teacher for the whole semester...are you ok?

Percy: I feel like I should be worried and maybe even a bit emotionally scarred...on the other hand I got to kill my math teacher, something most kids only dream about, and not only that, I get to gawk at a hot blonde for the rest of the semester!

**The End**

**RIP Sandwich**

**Author's Note: Thanks to xXTigress1776Xx for correcting me. It was indeed a Peanut Butter and Ketchup sandwich Nancy threw bits of at Percy**


	2. Chapter 2: Fast times at Yancy Academy

**(Episode 2) Chapter 2: Fast Times at Yancy Academy**

"Fast Times (The Best Years of Our Lives) by Billy Squier plays

Percy: Man it's like a dream come true! My evil math teacher was replaced by a hot blonde and the only thing that's making me remember she ever existed is…

Grover Underwood runs up

Grover: Hi Percy

Percy: Hi Grover-

Grover: What? Who's Ms. Dodds? What are you talking about?

Percy: [sighs] As usual Grover, I didn't say anything about Ms. Dodds

Grover: Who now? What Ms. Dodds? I don't know who you're talking about

Percy: You know sometimes I wonder why we're even friends

Grover: I'm telling you Percy! There's never been a Ms. Dodds at our school

Percy: [groans]

Later…

Percy: Man studying for the finals is gonna be really tough for an ADHD kid like me. I think I'll concentrate on Latin since Mr. B my favorite teacher

Six hours later…

Percy: Alright I think I've got it. Aphrodite is the king of the Gods, Ares is the love goddess, Dionysus rules the Underworld, and Apollo is the wisdom goddess…[checks book]...Damn! I'm more screwed than the whores at that brothel next to my apartment back home! I guess I'd better ask Mr. B for help...or apologize for the big fat F I'm about to get...probably the second one.

Percy runs to Mr. B's...I mean Chiron's...I mean "Mr. Brunner's" office when he hears…

Grover: ...worried about Percy sir

Percy: Say what now?

Grover: [loudly] Whisper whisper! Summer solstice deadline! Whisper! Kindly Ones! Whisper!

Mr. Brunner: Stop saying whisper! And don't worry. The Mist will soon convince him that Ms. Dodds never existed

Grover: Yeah I've been doing my part in that as well

Mr. Brunner: All we need to do is keep him alive until for the summer

Percy drops his books loudly

Percy: Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

Percy runs and hides in a classroom. Through the door he sees the silhouette of Chiron in centaur form and hears the clopping of hooves

Mr. Brunner: Oh it's probably nothing…

Grover: But sir I could have sworn I heard someone say fuck really loudly several times

Mr. Brunner: I said it was probably nothing!

Mr. Brunner and Grover leave. Percy runs back to his room

Percy: Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

After the Latin finals exam the next day…

Mr. Brunner: Don't feel bad about flunking out of Yancy Percy. You don't belong here really

Percy: Wow thanks Mr. B

Mr. Brunner: Well what I mean to say is….you're not normal Percy

Percy: That's ok Mr. Brunner. In our teen society, being abnormal is something that's looked up upon

The last day of school…

Rich Kid No. 1: Huh huh! My dad's taking me to hang out with Brad Pitt! Huh huh!

Rich Kid No. 2: Heehee! Yeah well my dad's taking me to go to Las Vegas to get laid! Heehee!

Rich Kid No. 3: Nyeck nyeck! (yes those are laughing noises) Oh yeah well MY dad's taking me to Brad Pitt to get laid! So there! Nyeck nyeck!

Crickets chirp

Rich Kid No.1: Uh...so what are you gonna do Percy?

Percy: I'm gonna do nothing because I'm poor

Crickets chirp

Rich Kid No. 2: Right…[turns to No.3] What were you saying about getting laid with Brad Pitt?

Later…

Percy: Man I gotta get outta here before-

Grover: Hey Percy!

Percy: Man my life sucks

Grover: Looks like we're going back on the same bus

The two sit in silence

Percy: So uh...who the hell are the Kindly Ones?

Grover: I don't know any Ms. Dodds or any of the other Kindly Ones!

Percy: Grover you're a really crappy liar

Grover: [sighs] alright just take this in case you need me

Grover hands Percy his card

Grover Underwood

Keeper

Half-Blood Hill

Long Island, New York

(800)-009-0009

Percy: Now I'm supposed to have dyslexia but somehow I was able to read this normally. What the hell is Half-

Grover: Don't say it! It's my uh...summer address

Percy: What?! You're a rich kid too?! Does your mansion have an arcade?

Grover: Uh no...the truth is, I'm sorta supposed to protect you

Percy: No arcade? What kind of rich kid are you?

The bus grinds to a stop. Black smoke, along with the smell of rotten eggs, pours from the dashboard*

Little kid: Hey mommy I think someone farted! Hehe! I said "farted!"

The passengers all get off the bus; on the bus's side of the road, there's merely a few trees; on the other side of the highway is a fruit stand with delicious looking fruits and three old-ass ladies knitting; the one on the left and right each were knitting a huge-ass sock and the one in the middle held a basket of blue yarn; they stared right at Percy

Percy: Hey Grover look! Those cougars are checking me out! Which one should I hook up with, the one on the left, the middle, the right...or all three?

Grover: No Percy shut the hell up

The old lady in the middle takes out a pair of shears

Percy: Okay not that one...getting cut is a bit too kinky for me

Grover: Let's get back on the bus

Percy: But I wanna hook up with them!

Grover drags Percy onto the bus but Percy still sees and hears the old lady in the middle cut the yarn.

Percy: Ouch! That girl has some serious issues! I guess it was a good idea you pulled me outta there Grover

The bus driver has fixed the bus; the passengers cheer and the bus continues on

Grover: Percy...what did you see?

Percy: I saw the old lady in the middle use her scissors on my dick...I mean that yarn!

Grover: No...not good…they never live past sixth grade...promise me you'll let me walk you home?

Percy: Sure thing Grover. I'll totally let you walk home with me once we got off this bus

**The End**

**The book does mention a smell like rotten eggs**

**Yes Atropos is the kinkiest of the Three Fates**


	3. Chapter 3: Grover Fucks Up

**(Episode 3) Chapter 3: Grover Fucks Up**

Grover: I need to go to the bathroom. Wait right here

Percy: Of course

Five seconds later…

Percy: Taxi!

A taxi stops in front of Percy.

Percy: East 104th and First!

The taxi takes Percy home

Percy: Finally! I can go home to my mom now. Wait I think it's time for some character development. Time for a flashback! I even remember the parts I wasn't there for! Anyways when my mom was about five, her parents died in a plane crash…

Flashback...

Kid Sally: Mister! When will my mommy and daddy come home?

Police: I'm sorry little girl but your parents died in a plane crash [points TV remote at TV]

Reporter: ...and here we have exclusive footage of the plane crash

The TV plays footage of a plane crashing into the ground and exploding violently with pieces flying everywhere

Police: Oh man that was brutal! Nobody could survive a crash like that! The bodies are probably mutilated and burned beyond recogni- [looks at Sally] oh right. Sorry kid

Percy [voiceover]: My mother was then sent to live with her uncle who didn't really give a crap about her

Sally: Someday, I'm going to grow up and be a writer of some kind

Percy's Great Uncle: Shaddup and get me a beer!

Percy [voiceover]: She was gonna go to college but then she had to drop out of high school to take care of her uncle, who had come down with a case of penile cancer

Percy's Great Uncle: OH GAWD THE PAIN! SALLY! GET OVER HERE AND HELP YOUR DEAR OLD UNCLE

Sally: [wipes the tender spot with a moist towelette] Is this better uncle?

Percy's Great Uncle: Ah that sooths the fire...you know you're actually a great kid Sally

Sally: Does this mean you'll pay for my college tuition?

Percy's Great Uncle: Hell no!

Percy [voiceover]: True to his word, my mom's uncle didn't leave her anything. Then she met dad

Sally: Why hello Poseidon. My that's an unusual name!

Poseidon: Shut up and have sex with me

Percy [voiceover]: But one day he had to leave my mom to sail across the Atlantic. She never saw him again. Then I was born and my mom did her best to raise me. Then she met Gabe Ugliano who looks a lot like Carl from Team Aqua Hungerforce. Then again, what'd you expect with a last name like Ugliano?

Gabe: Hey Sally! Why don't we get married?

The taxi stops outside's Percy's home; Percy enters the apartment and sees Smelly Gabe playing Poker with his friends; they're using those playing cards that have pictures of naked ladies on them.

Eddie: I raise by 3 beers!

Guy No.1: I fold

Guy No.2: I fold

Gabe: I see to your three! Now show your cards!

Eddie: [lays down his cards] I've got 2 pairs of boobs and 2 asses!

Gabe: Hehe! Is that all you've got? Well I have 3 asses and 2 pairs of boobs! Full house!

Gabe laughs as he gets the beer cans he won and chugs 4 cans right away; he notices Percy.

Gabe: Hey Percy! I want some money!

Percy: Fine! Here's your money! [tosses the money onto the table in front of Gabe] Go fuck yourself

Gabe: I already do

An awkward silence; Gabe's two poker friends fart loudly; Percy goes to his room, which has become littered with porno magazines over the semester.

Percy: Man Gabe's stench is almost scarier than Ms. Dodds turning into a roleplayer or those kinky cougars at the fruit stand...almost…

Sally enters the room

Sally: Percy! My little boy has come home! You've grown so much! Tell me everything about the school year!

Percy: Mom lay off! You're smothering me!**

Sally: Is that any way to speak to your mother after nine months? No wonder your father's never around!

Gabe: Sally! Me want bean dip!

Sally: I was just about to make it! Percy and I were talking about that trip to the beach!

Gabe: Bahahahahahaha...oh wait you're not kidding...BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sally: Don't worry! I'll make him enough dip to last for the whole weekend

Gabe: [in Homer Simpson's voice] Mmmm...dip…

Sally: Plus this is coming out of my clothes money and I promise to be extra careful with the car!

Gabe: Well maybe...if that kid apologizes for interrupting my poker game!

Percy: [thinking] Yeah maybe if I castrate you with a rusty knife! [aloud] I'm sorry for ruining you super special awesome fudge-coated poker game

Gabe: hmmm…

Sarcasm detector in Gabe's brain: Beep...beep...beep...ding!

Gabe: Alright apology accepted.

An hour later, they were on their way to Montauk. They reached there by sunset. They walked by the beach, feeding blue corn chips to the seagulls and eating blue jellybeans and other blue snacks

Percy: [munches] Hey this is great! Can we have blue waffles for breakfast tomorrow?

Sally: Sure Percy. I know how much you like blue food

Percy: That's great! Blue waffles are my favorite! I just love to have the taste of blue waffles in my mouth!

Percy [voiceover]: Apparently, my mom and Gabe had once had a fight over whether there was such a thing as blue food and ever since, mom had went out of her way to eat blue food. She also didn't change her name from Jackson to Ugliano...wow. We've got ourselves a badass over here.

Percy [voiceover]: She then went on to tell me stories about when she was a kid, back before her parents died in the plane crash. She told me about the books she wanted to write someday, when she had enough money to quit the candy shop…

Sally: ...and I think I'll call it "50 Shades of Grey"

Percy: Oh mom! You and your crazy ideas!

They then went on to talk about Poseidon...er I mean Percy's mysterious father…

Sally: I'm afraid you'll have to move…

Percy: What's wrong mom?

Sally: I can't tell you. For the sake of the plot I have to be very vague. As a hint, try to remember your childhood

Percy: Well…

Flashback to the 3rd grade…

Cyclops: [looks at Percy] Hehe...hehehe...hehehehe...hehehehehe…

Teacher: Get away from here you sexual predator!

Cyclops: Grr…

Percy: Teacher! That man had one eye!

Teacher: Yes I'm sure he did Percy

Flashback to preschool…

Percy brings home the snake he strangled…

Percy: Mommy! I'm playing with my snake!

Sally: Oh Percy! First of all, it's not a snake, it's a penis. Second of all, you're too young to mastur- OH MY GOD A DEAD SNAKE!

Back to the present…

Percy: Yeah I kinda get what you mean…

That night, Percy has a dream of a horse and an eagle fighting while a storm rages

Percy: Huh...what is this like the Super Bowl? Hmm...not sure whether to root for the Colts or the Eagles…

Suddenly Percy wakes up, a storm is raging; there's a banging on the door; the door opens and it's…Grover...half-naked

Percy: Huh what? [sees Grover] Dude cover up man! Your crotch is sticking out!

Grover: [in Arnold Shwarzenegger's voice] Come with me if you want to live

Sally: Dammit Percy why didn't you tell me? Get to da choppa...I mean the car!

Percy: Wait a minute...Grover! Your legs! They're hairy! Your feet too! They're hooves!

You also have really hairy junk and a hairy ass too! This means...

Grover: Yes it's true. I'm a sat-

Percy: A big fat liar? Hmph! Muscular disease my ass! It's obvious you have a case of hypertrichosis!

Grover: No I don't have hypertrichosis either. I'm a sat-

**The End**

**The original does mention Gabe's friend farting "in harmony"...aw yeah**

**Hypertrichosis is a disease resulting in excessive hair growth**

**No cliffhanger shitnanigans; Grover's a satyr...as if none of you guys knew that already**


	4. Chapter 4: A Wild Minotaur Appeared!

**(Episode 4) Chapter 4: A Wild Minotaur Appeared!**

Percy's mom drives through the rain in Gabe's Camaro, blazing through the woods; meanwhile the theme from Fast &amp; Furious 6 plays

"One shot, everything rides on tonight; even if I've got three strikes, I'mma go for it; this moment, we own it"

Percy: [staring at Grover's hairy legs and thinking] Maybe this is all fake and he's just wearing some hairy pants or something...no that dick is definitely real...and it smells like...wet animal…I need better friends [aloud] so uh...what are you?

Grover: It doesn't matter

Percy: Doesn't matter?! My friend is half-assed...in both meanings of the term!

Grover: Blaa-ha-ha!

Percy: Come again?

Grover: I'm half GOAT!

Percy: Yeah well...you're still half-assed in the other definition. Now tell me what's going on

Grover: The less you know the better. We hoped you'd have thought the Kindly Ones were a hallucination...

Percy: I would have since I was LSDs then but you kept on reminding me

Grover: ...but you started to realize who you were

Percy: Damn this is trippy...more trippy than when I'm high

Sally made a turn into a road surrounded by a strawberry fields; there were signs with graffiti saying "Pick Your Own Strawberries HERPES"; suddenly, lightning strikes the car

Percy: [groans] Worst...vacation...ever…

Sally: Percy! You have to get up that hill!

Percy: No! I am not leaving Grover! Even if he is a half-assed half goat idiot who pisses me off half the time in this series!

Percy and Sally start carrying Grover up the hill

Sally: I swear I'm probably gonna get screwed over for helping you

[EPIC FORESHADOWING]

A Wild Minotaur appeared! [Kanto Wild Battle Theme plays]

He turns towards them and loudly moos; he prepares to charge

Sally: When he charges, wait towards the last second and jump aside

Minotaur used Megahorn!

The attack missed!

Percy: Alright that was awesome! Did you see that mom? Mom?

Percy turns around just in time to see to see Sally dissolve into dust

Percy: Noo! She was my meal ticket!

The Minotaur moves towards Grover, who's lying unconscious...unconscious; the Minotaur puts on his best rape face; he slowly strips down his underwear, approaching Grover's body…

Percy: [thinking] I need to get his attention...what's a good cow insult? [aloud] Hey!...uh Clitauros! Yeah! Over here Clitauros!

The Minotaur pulls his underwear back up and turns towards Percy; Percy run at the Minotaur in slow motion; epic music plays; Percy jumps onto the Minotaur's head [insert Mario jumping soundbite] and jumps off the Minotaur's head [insert Mario jumping soundbite] and then grabs onto the Minotaur's neck; one nanosecond later, the Minotaur slams into the tree at like 10 meters per second

Percy: Yeehaw!

Rodeo music plays; Percy rips the Minotaur's horn off but gets thrown off; he gets up, dazed; the Minotaur roars and charges.; Percy slowly rises, wielding the horn like a knife; as the Minotaur rushed at him, Percy rolled to one side and stabbed the Minotaur with the horn

Percy: FOR SPARTA!

Percy then drags Grover to the porch of the Big House and collapses; just before he passes out he sees a blonde and a man

Blonde: He's alive...prepare the latex gloves. We begin the prostate exam in ten minutes

Man: But Annabeth, why would he need a prostate ex-

Blonde: I said he needs a prostate exam!

The End

Annabeth giving Percy a prostate exam...that should satisfy any fans of Percabeth

**Next chapter is more about Percabeth :D**


	5. Chapter 5: Your God isn't Real!

**(Episode 5) Chapter 5: Your God Isn't Real!**

Previously on Percy Jackson and The Olympians Abridged…

Minotaur: Hey Percy wanna see a magic trick?

Percy: Uh…

Minotaur: [grabs Sally] You see your mom?

Percy: Uh…

Minotaur: [squeezes her until she turns into a shower of light] Now you don't!

Percy: Nooo!

Percy wakes up; Annabeth is feeding him Ambrosia

Percy: Mmm...tastes good...but why does my ass hurt so much?

Annabeth: Oh look my future husband is awake!...as for your ass, I have no clue whatsoever [tosses prostate exam gloves into the trash]

Percy: What?

Annabeth: Hi my name is Annabeth!

Percy: [thinking] A hot blond feeding me something that tastes like liquid popcorn...this can't be real

Annabeth: I'm a fangirl! I ship us together. I think I'll call it Percabeth or something. I also started a fanfic about us...

Percy: A fanfic writing fangirl...I knew there had to be a catch

Percy falls back asleep; he wakes up in a chair on a porch in front of the Big House

Grover: Hey Percy

Percy: Grover! [thinking] You look like a normal kid! Maybe that was all some trippy hallucination and-

Grover: Here you go. I saved it for you. It was the least I could do after you saved my life

Percy obtained the Minotaur Horn!

Percy: The Minotaur…

Grover: Percy you shouldn't say names...even though in the spinoff series Heroes of Olympus we kinda screw that rule. Here drink this

Percy drinks the Nectar

Percy: It looks like apple juice...and tastes like liquid cookies...what is this bullshit?

Grover led Percy around to the other side of the Big House because apparently the Big House has a huge-ass porch that goes from one side to the other; Percy gasps as he sees Camp Half-Blood...which I won't bother describing because we all know what it looks like anyways; at the porch sat a purple midget and some dude that looked a lot like Mr. Brunner from the back; a blonde girl stood off to the side

Grover: The really drunk dude facing you is Mr. D…

Percy: Hehe...Mr. D...D...hehehe

Grover: ...and the one whose back is turned is Chiron who has been training heroes for thousands of years; he's very old. The blond girl standing there is Annabeth, a child of Athena, though you wouldn't know from the way she acts

Percy: Mr. Brunner?! What's going on?! Even though it should be pretty obvious given that I just fought the Minotaur and found out Grover's a satyr

Chiron: That's right it is obvious you ignorant child! The gods are real!

Percy: Whoa! God is real?!

Chiron: No I said _gods_ with an _s_

Percy: Dude did you just basically say "Christianity isn't true" in a children's book?! That's rather inappropriate isn't it?

Chiron: Yes in fact I'm sure Rick Riordan is paying dearly right this moment

Percy: So...what about all those kids who were raised Christians who are brought here?

Chiron: Er…

In the basement of the Big House...

Satyr: Look kid I keep telling you, there is no such thing as One God, could you just face the facts already?

Kid: I believe in the one true lord and savior Jesus Christ. I believe in the one true lord and savior Jesus Christ. I believe…

Satyr: Oh gods…

Back at the patio...

Chiron: They're uh...they're undergoing special treatment

Percy: So how are the gods still here?

Chiron: They moved with Western Civilization. Originally they were the Greek Gods then later on they became the Roman Gods. Over the centuries they kept on moving west until they moved from Mt. Olympus to the Empire State Building and turned from Greek Gods to being American Gods...although our spin-off series basically trashes this idea

Percy: Ugh...Heroes of Olympus ruins everything

Chiron: Very true. Now it's time for you to see the rest of camp

Percy: One more question, who are you?

Chiron gets out of his wheelchair revealing that he's a centaur

Chiron: I am Chiron, the legendary immortal centaur, trainer of heroes such as Hercules and Jason and the camp director

Percy: Half horse?! Does that mean…

Chiron: Yes it does. I have a 12-inch penis

**The End**

**Hope I didn't offend any Percabeth fans or Christians**

**Horses really do have foot-long dongs**


	6. Chapter 6: The Wettening )

**(Episode 6) Chapter 6: The Wettening ;)**

Chiron drags Percy on a tour

Percy: Hey Chiron, how old is Grover?

Chiron: He's about 28

Percy: Whoa! And I thought I sucked at school!

Chiron: It's because satyrs age half as fast. Grover's been a middle-schooler for about six years and he'll go through puberty for about eight years-

Percy: TMI!

They reach the cabins

Chiron: ...and over here are the cabins where the campers live. Almost all of the cabins are decorated to fit your godly parent's theme and therefore your personality because all demigods are basically stereotypes

Percy: Which one will I live in?

Chiron: You'll be in Cabin 11 with the rest of the unclaimed losers because even though we're basically a small strawberry plantation with enough , we don't have enough budget for a guest cabin. It's kinda a crappy system…

Flashback

Chiron: Welcome to Camp Half-Blood, the camp where we train heroes. What special powers do you have?

Kid: Well I can do magic and even create illusions

Chiron: Magic and bending The Mist? You must be a child of Hecate, the goddess of magic

Kid: Cool! Where's the Hecate Cabin?

Chiron: There is none. You'll have to sleep in the Hermes Cabin with the rest of the unclaimed people and never be recognized as a child of Hecate

Back to the present

Chiron: Yeah...it doesn't work out very well sometimes [sees Annabeth] Annabeth! Show him to his place.

Annabeth: [takes Percy to Cabin 11 and points to a spot on the floor] Here's your spot on the floor.

Luke shows up

Luke: Hey newcomer. I'm Luke Castellan, leader of Cabin 11 and also the sexiest guy in camp. See this scar running down my face? It means that I'm way sexier than you are. A little advice: sleep on your stomach so you don't breath in the asbestos

Annabeth: This is Luke. He's super dreamy, in fact Lucabeth is second only to Percabeth in my book

Somewhere in the world, fangirls cry out in rage

Percy: So how long am I stuck here? [sitcom laughtrack plays] No seriously? How long do I have to wait before I get claimed? [louder sitcom laughtrack plays]

Annabeth: Follow me Percy

Annabeth drags Percy outside

Percy: Hey I think you're cute and all but we just met and-

Annabeth: Percy you're gonna have to be smarter than that. Otherwise I just might Lucabeth my new number one ship

Around the world, fangirls boo loudly

Percy: I just wanna know why I can't stay in the other cabins. There's like some empty beds in that cabin over here. I think I'll go take a nap in one of those right now [walks to Cabin 8]

Annabeth: You can't decide which cabin to go in dumbass. It's decided based on your parent

Percy: My mom's Sally Jackson. She's dead

Annabeth: Your other parent

Percy: My dad died on a trip across the Atlantic or something

Annabeth: Actually your father isn't dead. He's one of the gods

Percy: What?! And he hasn't paid any welfare checks? That son of a bitch!

Annabeth: My point is, you're definitely a demigod. Just like the rest of us you have ADHD and dyslexia

Percy: Hang on a moment. You expect me to believe a camp full of ADHD kids hasn't been completely destroyed? What do you think I am some kind of idiot?

Crickets chirp

Percy: Why aren't you saying anything?

Annabeth: Uh...we have ways to control the ADHD

Inside the Camp Half-Blood kitchen, satyrs sneak small pills of Ritalin into the food

Annabeth: Anyways what I'm saying is, you're a half-blood for sure

Percy: A half-blood? Can I be in Gryffindor?

Annabeth: One, not that kind of half-blood and two, don't flatter yourself you Hufflepuff

Clarisse shows up with her friends

Clarisse: lol its a noobie

Annabeth: This is Clarisse, daughter of Ares When she was younger she would play League of Legends all the time which is why she talks the way she does

Clarisse: ima pwn u u lil noob scrub

Percy: Bring it on!

Clarisse drags Percy over to the bathrooms and starts to push his head into the toilet

Percy: No! Not a swirlie!

Clarisse: lel u gon get rekt u lil fegt

Suddenly all the toilets shoot out water, dousing Clarisse and her friends and Annabeth so that they were all wet...very wet...

Percy: Hehe...you're all wet...if you know what I mean

Clarisse: ima rekt u u lil noob scrub and pwn ur ass and-

Percy: That's what I did to your mom last night! Yeah how do you like them apples?

Clarisse's friends drag Clarisse away

**The End**

**Cabin 11: Worst place in camp**

**Percy makes all the girls wet ;)**


	7. Chapter 7: The Crappy Chapter

**(Episode 7) Chapter 7: The Crappy Chapter**

As Percy and Annabeth walk across camp, people look and and talk about them

Camper No.1: Look! That's Percy Jackson! He's the one that caused that bathroom explosion!

Camper No.2: Bruh don't tell me about diarrhea right before dinner!

Camper No.3: He didn't mean that kind of explosion...

Camper No.1: Yes thank you-

Camper No.3: ...he meant that Percy was jacking off, exploded, and left a mess all over the bathroom

Camper No.1: ...

Camper No.2: …

Percy: Dammit I wanna go home

Annabeth: But Percy, this is your home! It's the only home for dyslexic, ADHD kids like us. Oh and also because we're demigods

Percy: Demigods...that's insane

Annabeth: Is it? What's the things gods did the most in the myths?

Percy: Well they

Annabeth: Other than get into petty fights

Percy: They had lots of sex with humans. Wow Annabeth! I guess if they had sex with mortals in the myths, that must mean us being demigods is logical [does the confused black girl hand pose]

Annabeth: It makes perfect sense. I'm a child of Athena so I'm right

Percy: Are you sure it's not because you're a woman? (OOOH!)

Annabeth leaves. Percy heads towards Cabin Eleven, where he is approached by Luke

Luke: Here you go Percy, I stole you some toiletries from the camp store

Percy: Stole them?

Luke: I'm a son of Hermes: that makes me a kleptomaniac

Camper: Hey my wallet's missing!

Luke: Percy took it!

Percy: So Luke, what's all this stuff I hear from Annabeth about a prophecy?

Luke: Prophecy...did you say prophecy?!

Percy: Yeah. Should I talk to the Oracle or no Oracle?

Luke: Prophecy?! PROPHECY?! PROPHECY?!

Percy: Why do you say that?

Luke: Let's just say that a long time ago, something happened to me that might just make me betray the Gods and make a story that would take about 5 books to cover

Percy: Well any other person would be really suspicious and tell Chiron to put you in a straitjacket but Rick Riordan made me stupid so that fans would find me lovable for some reason so I'm just gonna ignore this.

Luke: Well it's time for dinner!

Luke leads Cabin Eleven to the Dining Pavillion which I'd describe if I were stupid enough to think you guys didn't already have an image of it in your head.

Chiron: To the Gods!

Everyone else: To the Gods!

Wood nymphs rush out carrying plates of food

Percy: Wow so many wood nymph laborers! How much do they get paid

Luke whispers into Percy's ear

Percy: Why they're practically slaves then!

Luke: You haven't even seen their pension plan yet

Percy: When do we get drinks?

Luke: Your magical cup will give you any drink you want...

Percy: This is the best thing ever!

Luke: ..as long as it isn't alcoholic

Percy: This is the dumbest shit ever

Percy notices everyone getting up to go to dump food in a big fire.

Percy: What are they doing?

Luke: Giving up a portion of the food for the gods. They like the smell apparently

Meanwhile at Olympus…

Zeus: It's dinner at Camp Half-Blood

Olympians: Yeah!

Zeus pulls out a giant flask, inhales from it, sighs deeply, his eyes turning red, then passes it on.

After dinner…

Dionysus: Alright you lil feckers, here are the facts as I see them: 1) Tomorrow is Capture the Flag the Ares Cabin is in possession of the flag; 2) Peter Johnson is the camp's new arrival

Chiron: [coughs] It's Percy Jackson

Dionysus: That's what I said, "Peter Johnson." Now get your asses into bed!

**The End**

**Did anybody get that Spongebob reference?**

**Sorry for not posting in awhile guys; I was busy with schoolwork and it was tough writing this chapter to be honest**


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